Lifes Dirty Little Secrets

Sorry for the delay! More coming soon....

Lifes Dirty Little Secrets — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 03:18:00 GMT

Move Out Day! - Part 1

Lifes Dirty Little Secrets — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:37:00 GMT

Once you and your soon-to-be-ex have determined which of you will move out of the house, get ready for some BIG changes!

Let's start with the assumption that your husband will make the move so that the children can stay in the home and not be forced to face the loss of their home at the same time that they are dealing with a figurative (and somewhat literal) loss of a parent. This is a really scary and unsettling time for everyone involved and the less nasty you can make it, the better.

If it is the husband who will be moving out, presumably he will have rented a new home or will be staying with family or friends for the short term. But, one word of caution ladies - just because your husband moves out, does not mean he giving you the house! Don't make the mistake of getting too comfortable with the idea that you can just sit back and relax and survey your "new" home that is now all your very own. Not a chance! As he hauls HIS stuff out of HIS house, your husband will be full of anger and resentment and will begin thinking of ways to ensure that you will have to move out, too. So, don't run to the mall and start spending the money that you have hopefully been saving in preparation for this day, because we can guarantee that you're going to need it.

As the sun sets on the day that your husband moves out, you might find that the relief you expected to feel has somehow been replaced by a whole new set of emotions. We have a girlfriend who couldn't wait for her husband to move out.  She and her husband had been living in virtual silence and animosity for a very long time and rarely shared a word (pleasant or otherwise) with eachother for months.  She even counted down the days til he was scheduled to move out and planned on relaxing (and celebrating)with a bottle of wine that evening. So, what happened when that day finally arrived?  Instead of toasting her new independence, she panicked!  As she watched his clothing, belongings, furniture, etc. move piece by piece out of the house, she suddenly realized that she was going to be alone. You might be thinking, "well, of course she's going to be alone, how could that not have occurred to her??" But, beware, this is a very common reaction. Until you are faced with the reality of a situation, you really don't know how you will react. The realization that suddenly it is up to you to do everything - take out the trash, put air in your tires, make sure that the gutters are clean, kill all the spiders that sneak their way in - is a very frightening proposition to most women, and one that they do not truly consider until it hits them over the head.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that everything will be the same when your husband moves out, he just won't be there anymore.   A lot of things will change.  Think about everythiing that your husband currently does around the house, the yard, the vehicles, the kids. Now think about the fact that once he moves out it will be up to you to take on the responsibility for all of these things (in addition to the overwhelming responsibilities you already have!). Please don't misunderstand us. We're not saying that you can't handle it on your own, we just want you to be very clear what's in store so that your expectations are more in line with reality. That first night alone can be a very scary one.

Up next - When he won't move out.....

To leave or not to leave....

Lifes Dirty Little Secrets — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:32:00 GMT

Ok, so you and your spouse have determined that mediation is not an option and you have both 'lawyered up". You will each try and keep the identity of your attorney a secret for as long as possible in order to put off the inevitable google search and win-loss success rate investigation of your respective attorneys as long as possible. Eventually, the paper shuffling will begin and the identities will be out in the open - now you can each size up the competition and move on.

Since it is a requirement in many states that the parties not be living under the same roof for a certain period of time in order for a divorce to be granted, one of the first issues you are going to have to address is, who is going to move out? Admit it, ladies. You're all thinking, "What?!? I'm not going anywhere! Let him move out!" Well, guess what? That's exactly what he's probably thinking. Unless he already has a girlfriend and needs a more private love-nest, he won't want to leave any more than you. As far as he is concerned, he has worked hard to pay for that house, it is just as much his home as it is yours (if not more!), and if you want out of the marriage then you should be the one to get out of the house, too.

We know some girls whose husbands decided relatively early on that it would be easier to move out then fight and found a new place to stay. But, we know just as many girls whose husbands dug their heels in and refused to budge, even if it meant that the children would have to re-locate with their mother. In the majority of households, it is the mom who is primarily responsible for the care and feeding of the children, and the husband has always enjoyed the comfort of knowing that everything kid-related was taken care of without him ever having to lift a finger. That notwithstanding, almost as many of these guys will undermine their children's stability in order to stick it to their wives. It is astounding just how many men will sacrifice their children in an effort to punish their wives. If you are unfortunate enough to be married to one of these men, you had better have read our earlier posts and have been saving every penny for the last couple of years - they don't give away apartments for free, you know....

Up next, The BIG Move.......

From Pit Bulls to Peacemakers

Lifes Dirty Little Secrets — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 21:32:00 GMT

Yep, attorneys are such an important (and unpleasant) topic that we are dedicating two entries to just the chore of finding one (and we reserve the right to add more!). But, this is one of those decisions that can be very costly if you get it wrong. Depending on whether or not you have children, how much money you have in the bank or on paper, and the fitness of each of you as a parent will all play a role in the importance of your selection of attorney.

Of equal importance is who your ex has selected for his attorney. If the moment you told him you weren't sure the marriage was working out he immediately did a Google search for "attorney & pit bull", you had better hire a pit bull of your own - preferably one with bigger teeth! This is definitely not the time to let your baby brother who just graduated from law school gain some much needed experience. In addition, if you have a lot to divide and anticipate a ferocious battle but your ex hasn't hired an attorney yet, you might want to schedule a consultation with every single one of the well-known pit bulls in town. This way you can select the one that is the best fit for you and your personality and have the added bonus of preventing your ex from using any of these attorneys himself. Once you have met with an attorney you create a conflict of interest, and your husband can no longer use that attorney. Sneaky? Yes. Necessary? Probably.

On the other hand, if you don't have any children together, you have very little "stuff" to divide, and, most importantly, you and your ex are both acting like reasonable adults, you might be able to go the mediation route. Using a mediator instead of attorneys to iron out the details of your separation and divorce can save you both thousands of dollars and eliminate a great deal of acrimony and grief. But, beware. Even if you agree to use a mediator, you will still need an attorney to provide you with some amount of guidance and education about the issues at hand as well as to review whatever agreement the mediator drafts. Consider yourself very fortunate (and even more unusual) if you can resolve all of your issues and reach an agreement solely or primarily with the use of a mediator.

If you're wondering how we know all of this, it's because we've been through it all...and so much more! More about us coming soon. Stay tuned!

Blind Justice - or Sometimes Just MEAN Injustice....

Lifes Dirty Little Secrets — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 12:56:00 GMT

Once you've made the decision to leave the marriage for whatever reason, the next step is to talk to an attorney. This is where that extra two-years worth of income you have hopefully squirreled away might come in handy - and sometimes that's just for the retainer! Let's be frighteningly clear here, attorneys are ridiculously expensive! More expensive than you can possibly imagine. Every divorce attorney will require a retainer in order to begin ANY work on your behalf. Retainers can range anywhere from $5,000 (which is very low) to more than $20,000. And, please don't make the mistake of thinking that the retainer amount is how much the total divorce will cost. Not by a longshot! The attorney will burn through that retainer faster than a gasoline soaked pile of your wedding pictures. This amount will be enough to get you started, but how long it lasts will depend upon the attorney you hire and the attorney your soon-to-be-ex hires.

Once you're sure you've got the retainer (down payment) available, the next step is to find an attorney. Choosing the right attorney is not an easy process, and whether you have millions to divide or a simple single-wide trailer, choosing the right attorney could be the difference between continuing to have a roof over your head or not. The best place to start when looking for an attorney is with friends and family. Ask for recommendations, but beware. Aunt Sally's friend Gloria the hairdresser who has a client who is an attorney does not make for a good referral. A good referral requires the person making the recommedation to have actually worked with the attorney and can describe his/her style, personality and effectiveness.

When meeting with an attorney for the first time, always keep in mind that YOU are the one doing the hiring, not the attorney. It can be a very intimidating process meeting with an attorney for the first time. After all, they do know everything, right?! Choosing an attorney you are afraid of is one of the worst mistakes you can make. You are going to need a great deal of guidance and support throughout the divorce, so you'd better pick an attorney with whom you feel comfortable. It's bad enough battling the ex, you don't want your attorney yelling at you, too. We have a friend who was so regularly scolded and belittled by her own attorney that she began avoiding his calls. In effect, she was paying him to scare her!

If you're going to take the leap, be prepared to handle it like an adult and stand up for yourself. Even though you will be paying your attorney obscene amounts of money to advocate on your behalf, when it comes right down to it, you are the one who should be your best advocate. So, listen to your attorney's advice, but don't let him/her bully you.

We're not through with attorneys yet. Lots more to come! Stay tuned......

So you’re thinking about leaving him….. NOT SO FAST!

Lifes Dirty Little Secrets — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 12:32:37 GMT

We all know that you don’t just wake up one morning thinking “I’m bored” and then serve your husband divorce papers for dinner. It’s a gradual and insidious process going from “I do” to “I don’t”. People grow and change, children arrive and spread glue and finger paint all over our lives, careers grow or fall apart. All of these items can wreak havoc on whatever dream you were envisioning as you practically skipped down the aisle – your only fear being that you might trip over your veil and ruin your otherwise perfect wedding video that you are sure will be watched repeatedly with overflowing adoration and misty eyes for the next 50 years. Of course, we do watch the tape at least once upon returning from the honeymoon – less to relive the wonder of the day, but more to see all the hysterically drunken embarrassing comments shared by our family and friends. Then the video gets relegated to a box in the attic never to be seen again (or until we someday die and our children discover the tape and watch in horror at our poofy hairdos or even poofier dresses. We won’t even talk about the dancing!).

5, 10, 15 years race by full of children, jobs, homes, and recurrent diarrhea, and you realize that not only do you no longer love the hairy, out of shape, newly bald, former Adonis that you once couldn’t live without, but if you wouldn’t be shunned for admitting it out loud, you really just want him to go away. It’s not that you necessarily wish anything bad on him like a barreling train or a dinner-sized portion of that sometimes deadly Japanese blowfish, you just want him to leave you alone. Once you allow that simple little thought to enter your brain, the leap to “I can make it on my own without him” isn’t very far.

Now, if you meet one or more of the following criteria, leap away:

(1) You are a smart girl who didn’t give up her career when she had kids and earns more than enough to support herself AND her kids with no help from anyone else (including the ex) and has at least two years worth of living expenses already in the bank;

(2) Your parents are extremely wealthy and willing to support you and your children indefinitely – most likely forever.

(3) You recently won the Power Ball Lottery and haven’t blown all of the prize money yet; or

(4) Your last name is Trump, Hilton, or Gates

Now for the unpleasant dose of reality that you so desperately need to hear (and no one else will tell you) - If you do not fall into any of these categories – STAY PUT! It is really a very simple equation that no one, including us, figures out until it's way too late –

mother + kids + angry ex-husband = no money, no security, no stability, tremendous anxiety, and even more diarrhea.

Not a pretty picture. We know. We didn’t do the math in time. We’ll tell you more about that later.

Now, if you’re one of those adorably naïve girls misguidedly saying to yourself right now that your situation is different - your guy is a nice guy and just wants you to be happy; he’ll move out and get a little apartment and let you stay in the house; he’ll give you generous alimony and child support for the rest or your life; he’ll be okay with you dating again – you, of all people, need to stay put! You are the least prepared to deal with the awful reality that will soon be hitting you in the head like the frying pan your soon-to-be-ex is imagining hitting you with. Ladies, let’s be clear here, NO man – no matter how previously nice – will remain nice when he feels you sticking your hand in his wallet while at the same time knowing he’s getting nothing for it.

Even if he starts out reasonable it’s only because he is still in shock that you have the nerve to shatter his otherwise comfortable and effortless existence. He might continue to be nice for a time while clinging to the misguided notion that you will change your mind. But, when the reality that you are serious and are not changing your mind finally sinks in, the resentment will begin. The only thing in which your ex is interested from this point forward is to see you miserable – the more miserable the better. When he pictures you in the house that HE paid for or driving around in the car that HE paid for or sleeping with another man in the bed that HE paid for, he will seethe with anger and will do everything in his power to make sure that you have as little as possible.

He will start by cutting off the credit cards – so you have better stashed away enough to support yourself for at least the next 24 months. And, it’s not even enough to have the 24 months of living expenses in the bank, you’d better have stellar A+ credit if you ever want to buy a home, a car or a roll of toilet paper ever again. Even if you both agreed (or he insisted) when you first got pregnant that you give up your career to stay home and raise the children, he will expect you to immediately get a job (preferably a demeaning one that is way beneath your education and skill level). He will insist that you are perfectly capable of working and thus do not need alimony – no matter how young your children are and no matter how difficult it will be to juggle the demands of being the primary caretaker. He will suggest you get a job at McDonalds secretly hoping that you won’t be able to find anything else. He will revel in the idea of you coming home smelling of French fries and Big Macs – and if you haven’t prepared for being your sole supporter, you just might find yourself doing exactly that.

He will question your every move – what do you do all day? Where do you go? Who are you with? Who are you sleeping with? Which brings us to our next point – No man will ever believe that you would prefer to be alone rather than be with him. No man will ever believe that you have left the marriage just because you weren’t happy anymore. No matter what the truth, every man is 100% convinced that if you want out of the marriage it is because you are sleeping with another man. While most women in unhappy marriages want to gag at the thought of adding another man to their lives and don’t believe that there are any out there worth polishing their toenails for, the soon-to-be ex-husband will insist that you must be sleeping with the neighbor, the UPS man or both.

If there are any men reading this right now, here is a little tip for you: Just because a woman no longer wants to sleep with you, doesn’t mean she is sleeping with or wants to sleep with any other man any time soon. We know you are devastatingly handsome and full of charm and personality, but sometimes the magic just fades and the thought of your fingers on our skin just one more time makes us want to stab you in the eye with an ice pick while you sleep (figuratively speaking, of course!).

The bottom line: If you are truly thinking about leaving, stop. If we can’t convince you to stay put, start saving immediately and don’t even think about going anywhere for at least the next two years.

Think all this sounds bad? You have NO idea what’s coming next….. STAY TUNED!